Sunday

Parental Alienation and Loving Relationships: Questions We Must Ask

How do you know that someone really loves you?
  • What do you use as proof of this love?
Have you ever thought someone loved you and then discovered, somehow, that they really didn't?

Or, has anyone ever professed their love for you and yet, somehow, you weren't able to feel it--they weren't loving you in a way in which you understood love?

Apply these questions to a child or children.

There is an assumption that children love both parents the same (
in the same way) or equally, merely because they have two parents and that's the way it is supposed to be. But I want you to really think about it for a minute and consider if you felt the exact same about both of your parents. As an adult, this is going to seem simple because you have learned to explain away faults and chalk it all up to troubled years....or something. But try to remember about this as a child, one that had to submit to his/her parents' authority.

Did you feel the exact same way about both of your parents?

Again, don't kid yourself because you're now and adult and have washed away (pretended them away) or resolved the issues.

Or was there one parent you favored more than the other?
  • Was there one parent who you just preferred to communicate with, over the other?
  • Was there one that was more affectionate, or met your needs better than the other?
It would be natural to have some sort of favoritism in a household in which love is supposed to be equal. People are people, no matter if they are adults or children. We have different needs, different characteristics, we display our emotions differently, we enjoy different activities, we have different birth order and zodiac signs!!! The belief that everyone in a household is aligned in the same capacity is a false one.

In parental alienation, loving relationships that once existed between the [target] parent and child are said to have been destroyed, on account of the alienating parent, plus the alienated child. But how do we know that said loving relationship ever existed between this target parent and alienated child?
  • Whose word are we utilizing?
  • What did this loving relationship look like?
  • And how and WHY has it changed over time?
Going back to visualizing your childhood years...if you had "issues" with your parents, did you confront them directly? If your mom made you wear homely looking clothing, did you say something to her about it? If your dad made you look after your siblings at all times, did you express your anger toward him? Maybe you did.

Or maybe, after seeing how no change was evident in your parent's expectations or demands, you went to school, and told your friends. Maybe you shared your experiences in class. Maybe you kept secrets between your siblings or other similarly aged family members. Maybe you were able to communicate with your other parent. Or maybe, you just bottled it all up inside. How would anyone know?

Parental alienation assumes that there is an alienating parent that is causing the child to be alienated because, by definition, if there is no alienating parent, there is no alienated child (there can also be an alienating parent, without an alienated child, that is if the child is not affected by the alienating parent's actions). But how would we know whether or not this parent and child weren't already "aligned" in the intact household (pre-divorce)?
  • How do we know how great or how little alienation is from the alienating parent, or how great or how little the alienation is of the alienated child?
What if, by utilizing the word of the target parent, we are grossly misinformed of the previously existing "loving relationship"?
  • What if the target parent, by nature of being the non-preferred parent, or the less available parent, perceived the "loving relationship" to be something that it was not [to the child]?
  • What if the target parent is the emotional bully?
What if in fact, the target parent is the alienating parent with whom the child has NOT aligned?



Psychology, closer to science? Or further from evidence?




See Also: Will the Real Parental Alienation Please Stand Up?